Desideratum
by skrom
Summary: What she means to him. Kurama's thoughts following the end of the Dark Tournament. KxB


**This is my first fan fiction here, and my first one in years (I haven't written one since I graduated highschool-college kept me too busy), so please be nice. I didn't have a story in mind, I just started typing, so I'm sorry if it looks like it doesn't have any direction at all, just really trying out the whole fan fiction writing gig again. Nevertheless, I hope you like it. Please R&R. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho.**

Kurama lay on his bed at the hotel waiting for Botan to finish treating his wounds; even though most of his wounds have healed after the fight against Karasu, some of his blows left deep tissue damage. His leg muscles hurt everytime he moved them, his arms had bruises and the wound on his back is still open. So like everyone else, he relies on Botan's physiological healing powers.

He closed his eyes feeling the warmth of her ki on his back. It relaxed his muscles and he could feel the stinging pain begin to fade. Outside the room he could hear Keiko and Yusuke in the common room, arguing about her catatonic moment and how it almost killed everyone, and faintly, the sound of Shizuru crying and being comforted by her brother along with Yukina and Koenma in the other room. He could sense Hiei was out there too, but as usual, he didn't speak much.

"There! All done!" Botan exclaimed and that's when he noticed that the warmth has gone and is now replaced by the cool gushes of salty wind that came through the open window.

"Thanks, Botan. That does feel a lot better." He smiled and turned to face her.  
"Now, where else does it hurt?" She inquired, her eyes briefly scanning his body before turning back to him, now with a light pink tinge spread across her cheeks.  
"Ano, here." Kurama pointed to his left arm.  
"Okay." Botan whispered and examined his arm. She winced when she saw it was purple, and then began healing it immediately.

"I'm glad all this is over. I don't think I can bear seeing you—seeing any of you hurt any longer." Botan said, not taking her eyes off of his arm.

Kurama watched the girl, her amethyst eyes concentrating on his arm as if it was an exam question that she had no idea how to asnwer. He recalled hearing her voice in the crowd when he fought, small whispers of his name, but he, with his fox demon sense, could hear them nonetheless.

_"Kurama-kun..."  
"No, he can't die..."  
"Stand up, Kurama-kun!"_

In those moments, after he gave his all, he resigned to his fate. He resigned to this punishment for all his crimes in the past. He resigned to his defeat—crow beats fox. The end. His mother will be fine, she has her boyfriend. What is there to hold on to in this world?

And then, as if to answer his mind's soliloquy, he hears her voice, her sweet, angelic voice, whispering his name...over and over.

_Live. _The deity implores him to live. Her voice echoed in his mind and he could smell her tears in the air. _She weeps for me?_ _This pure, beautiful creature sheds precious tears for me, a vile and viscious youkai. I am undeserving. But here she is calling me to live the life I stole. Has she forgotten my transgressions-the ones that fill the crime records of Reikai for a thousand years? _

_Live. _She calls again. And it occurred to him then that perhaps, she chose to forget; that maybe, she's pardoned him.

_Live, Kurama-kun._

A finger twitches in the stillness, an eye flutters open, and slowly he rose to his feet, his demon side strengthening his human frailty. He paid no attention to the commotion around him. His mind focused on his reason for being.

_Yes, for you, I will. _She has made much of his life and he isn't going to miss it. She renewed his purpose. She made him want to live, to solve the mystery in her tears, to discover the secrets beyond her cries and to search the depths of her heart.

He continued to watch Botan concentrate on his arm, reveling in the familiar warmth of her ki. A small smile had found its way to her face, joy evident in her eyes, and he basked in that beauty. He's enamored by her.

"All done, Kurama-kun!" She smiled brightly. Tilting her head, Botan stroked his arm softly, and a million sensations swarmed over him at her touch. _A lowly youkai touched by the purest of beings...how can she...?_

"I don't want you to hurt anymore." She said, barely a whisper, melancholy crossed her eyes for the briefest of moments, but it didn't escape him. _She forgave him. She saved him. She protects him._

He took her hand and stroked the back with his thumb. They both watched their hands together as his thumb made little circles on hers. A smile crept to his face, "Thank you for everything, Botan." he said, not looking up to meet her eyes, and instead planted a quick soft, feathery kiss on her wrist.

Botan blushed ten shades of red, her mouth hang slightly open, and he could see she was struggling for words.

"It's really no problem, Kurama-kun." she said finally, staring down at her feet, her fingers fidgeting. "I am not new to deep tissue injuries, so it was all easy peasy for me."

He just smiled at her cuteness. She doesn't realize what kind of impact she's made on him. Her kindness, her compassion...she's graciously given to him what he doesn't deserve—even an emotionless youkai cannot not feel anything from that.

She's captivated him. And now he wants nothing more than to be by her side, to hear her voice and watch her face communicate the stirrings in her soul; to keep her and protect her; to hold her and be held by her, to live for her and to live with her by his side.

"Ne, I don't suppose you want to go out there and join them?" Botan said with a smile snapping him out of his reverie. She tilted her head to the doorway where Keiko and Yusuke's screams still went on along with Shizuru's sobs and now Kuwabara's bragging of his gallantry, Koenma yelling at George, and Hiei's eerie silence.

Kurama shook his head softly. "Admittedly, it all sounds like fun," he said sarcastically, "but I'd rather be lonely in this room with you." He smiled and watched as she smiled back, "Okay, then. Let's be lonely together."


End file.
